Most people won’t but I will, so let’s talk about it.

Post-Partum Depression

After both of my pregnancies I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. Don’t let that fool you, I definitely had anxiety and depression before that although I wasn’t diagnosed. When I was diagnosed, I thought, “I’ve always felt like this so why is this any different?” I’m not a medical doctor (obviously) so I highly recommend that if anything I talk about in this post sounds like something you are dealing with just go see your doctor! I would venture to say that this blog is less about the diagnosis of post-partum depression but how it affected me and my family and then, how I overcame it.

How did PPD affect me?

After each of the kids, how I realized that something was wrong was after I had serious destructive thoughts. These destructive thoughts created a false narrative in my mind that told me I wasn’t worth loving, my husband was better off without me, and if I left this world no one would care. These are thoughts that I know other women struggle with!  The negative thoughts I had regularly were killing so many parts of my life. My energy was so low I could barely keep up with Stella after Adric was born, my relationship with my husband was minimal and sex... HA! Forget about it! I wasn’t able to find joy in the things I’ve enjoyed my entire life.

When did I make a change?

I knew the signs from being diagnosed before after Stella was born so the second time around, I felt convinced that I wouldn’t fall right back into my own toxic thoughts. I was wrong, I did fall back into it and this time it was worse. At my lowest moment, I finally told Trebor. This whole time I hadn’t told anyone what I was really thinking and sharing these thoughts with him was terrifying and freeing. I told him that I thought about car accidents and dying every SINGLE time I got in the car. I told him I wouldn’t fight for my life if something bad happened and that I felt like every day I was drowning but couldn’t actually drown. We had been married for 4 years at this point and when I tell you that I’d never seen his face react like this before I mean it. He was floored and told me to make the appointment I knew I needed to make but just hadn’t wanted to ask anyone for help.

How about now?

Even though I haven’t had babies in the past few years (Adric is 3 now) I can honestly say I have overcome the season of anxiety and depression. I no longer take medication and in 2017 I finally felt like I had the tools and self-love to say I had conquered anxiety and depression. I made major progress in getting off medication by reading books by amazing women, focusing on things I loved like helping others, and taking care of my body.

I’m a firm believer in the idea that you don’t have to be what you were yesterday, today. If you don’t want to be on medication for the rest of your life, don’t. Take the anxiety medication for a season and then talk to your doctor about equipping yourself with the necessary tools and steps to get off of it. Definitely read personal development books and focus on yourself because the moment I gave myself more love and attention I realized how much more I was able to give to my family, friends, and business.

Need to talk to someone? Want to ask me more questions? Email me at toni@babylunaphotography.com

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